A recent picture!!!

The battle for us!!!!

The "Old Shanda"

I just want my life back, is that too much to ask? I want things to be normal again, I want to live one day without worrying if I'm going to die of cancer before I raise my children!!!! God please help things return to normal!!!

Getting ready for our summer travels!!!

Well.. I've been working hard on getting ready for my 5 summer shows, so I've been out of bed!! WOO HOO.. between car repairs ($350) and a tire for my rv ($200). That I had to charge on my visa and pay off when I start making $$$ next month, I've set up my Jewelry display in my garage hoping to do some home sales/ garage sale type things in the near furture, at least I could set everything up and see what I need to order and need to make in the next month or so.

Our first 2 shows we'll be taking the van due to the CRAZY gas prices, and the kids will be sleeping in a tent outside the van and Selena and I will be sleeping in the van!!! Can't get more sylish than that huh? Then for our last 3 shows well be taking the car and the RV, I figure it will take $200 to fill up my Rv!!! Which will last 500 miles (approx 10 miles per gallon)

I had a horrible am yesterday, I joined a new woman's bible study group and woke up early, took a shower and when I was putting on lotion when I felt a HUGE lump in my left breast. I immediatly started making phone calls so I could get in to see a DR. ASAP. Well, I got into my surgeon, plastic surgeon and my oncologist P.A all yesterday!!! They all said it was a lump from my "fake" Implant, my tissue expander, which my plastic surgeon said could wait to fix at my final implant surgery in Sept. But let me tell you.. it scared the crap out of me, I thought "Oh great, the cancer has come back and I'll have to go through all that over again" There goes my summer.. there goes my life for the next 1.5 years, but PRAZE B 2 GOD, IT WAS NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT!!!!!

God is good, all the time!!

Blessings to you today,

Love, :) Shanda :)

Post Cancer Depression

This is a hard topic for me to admit/write about, but I would ask for your prayers and support. I think I have post cancer depression. I can't explain it really, although my motivation is very low to get out of bed everyday, sometimes I spend all day in bed. Maybe it was because I could not find a job (my summer shows start in a few weeks, so I'll be working again soon). Or maybe it's because I have such young children and I fear the cancer will come back (which I know I should not fear, for he who is in me is more powerful than he who is in the world) But I wish I had a garentee, that I would be alive until Tristan's at least 20!!!! That's 13 years!! Not a lot to ask, is it? I of course want to live to be an old lady, see my children get married and have children of their own, to be a grandmother, but I can't help feeling that for some reason that's not going to happen. I went to my Dr.s the other day for a check up, that's how they found the hypothroidsm (I've lost 5 lbs. already) and she made me take a depression/ bi-polar test. She said I did not test positive for bi-polar or depression really, but more anxiety. I am anxious, I am anxious if I'm going to live long enough to raise these 4 amazing children God gave me to love and care about. Althogh they stress me out, and the home schooling is difficult, I feel it's what the Lord would want me to do to raise them doing devotions everyday and spending time in his word every day, teaching them something new each and every day, teaching them the way to walk in God's will.

I am at Gilda's Club right now, my parents took all 4 of my children for 5 days (WOO HOO) so I went to a group I normally can't go to because it's during the day from noon-2pm called "life after cancer" and I am sticking around for another group I go to called ITY or "I'm too young for cancer". Being around other surviviors gives me hope and strength, and we laugh a lot in group, which I don't find myself doing much these days.

I hope this depression funk will go away soon, because I don't really like living life this way anymore, I want to be a positive role model for my children, and them seeing me stay in bed all day long, has to make them think I'm still sick, which I'm not, I'm 100% cancer free!!! I think starting to work in June will help a lot, because finances have been tough, and I have been faced with possible losing my house. I guess when I think about it, I have a lot of responsiblities, and a lot to be anxious about.. but God's word tells me to be anxious for nothing, and I lean on God's support each and every day to bring me through this entire ordeal!!!

Thanks for reading, and thank you for your support and prayers!!

Love in CHRIST,

:) Shanda :)

A Dr's Diganoses I am actually excited about!!!

Today I got a letter in the mail telling me that I have hypothryoidsm.. which is low production of the thryoid. My brother has serious problems with his, he has no funtion of his thryoid at all, and takes extremly high doeses to keep him on track, but before he was diganosed he balloed up to almost 300 lbs!!!! When you have hypothroydism, you body does not metablize your food correctly, and you are normally overweight... I have been working my butt off literally for weeks at a time at the gym, working out hard cardio for 2 hours, 4-6 days per week, with no results.. which was VERY frustrating, so I stopped and worked on my diet (about 1200 calories per day) and I've lost almost 10 lbs doing that, but I am about 50 lbs. overweight.. so I'm actually REALLY excited about the Dr's finding this and getting treated so hopefully I'll begin to lose weight!!! YEAH!!! My cholosteral was also high, so I need to work on that too!!!

But finally, good news on the medical front, a diganosis I can actually look forward to the results!!!! I'll keep you posted on weight loss!!

Love and Blessings to you today :) Shanda :)