This is a hard topic for me to admit/write about, but I would ask for your prayers and support. I think I have post cancer depression. I can't explain it really, although my motivation is very low to get out of bed everyday, sometimes I spend all day in bed. Maybe it was because I could not find a job (my summer shows start in a few weeks, so I'll be working again soon). Or maybe it's because I have such young children and I fear the cancer will come back (which I know I should not fear, for he who is in me is more powerful than he who is in the world) But I wish I had a garentee, that I would be alive until Tristan's at least 20!!!! That's 13 years!! Not a lot to ask, is it? I of course want to live to be an old lady, see my children get married and have children of their own, to be a grandmother, but I can't help feeling that for some reason that's not going to happen. I went to my Dr.s the other day for a check up, that's how they found the hypothroidsm (I've lost 5 lbs. already) and she made me take a depression/ bi-polar test. She said I did not test positive for bi-polar or depression really, but more anxiety. I am anxious, I am anxious if I'm going to live long enough to raise these 4 amazing children God gave me to love and care about. Althogh they stress me out, and the home schooling is difficult, I feel it's what the Lord would want me to do to raise them doing devotions everyday and spending time in his word every day, teaching them something new each and every day, teaching them the way to walk in God's will.
I am at Gilda's Club right now, my parents took all 4 of my children for 5 days (WOO HOO) so I went to a group I normally can't go to because it's during the day from noon-2pm called "life after cancer" and I am sticking around for another group I go to called ITY or "I'm too young for cancer". Being around other surviviors gives me hope and strength, and we laugh a lot in group, which I don't find myself doing much these days.
I hope this depression funk will go away soon, because I don't really like living life this way anymore, I want to be a positive role model for my children, and them seeing me stay in bed all day long, has to make them think I'm still sick, which I'm not, I'm 100% cancer free!!! I think starting to work in June will help a lot, because finances have been tough, and I have been faced with possible losing my house. I guess when I think about it, I have a lot of responsiblities, and a lot to be anxious about.. but God's word tells me to be anxious for nothing, and I lean on God's support each and every day to bring me through this entire ordeal!!!
Thanks for reading, and thank you for your support and prayers!!
Love in CHRIST,
:) Shanda :)
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4 comments:
You are being uplifted in prayer, my dear cuz! I'm praying that you'll be able to find daily things to look forward to to help find the motivation you need. Happy Mother's Day and remember that you are loved by the Creator of the universe!!!
You are indeed being covered in prayer! Tomorrows sunshine should help, too. You do have plenty to be concerned about, but I'm sure you will be fine. Praise God your parents are near enough to help with the children, and are willing to do so!!!
God bless you and your family!!!
Sarah Z. in MI
hey, i do not know you and i stumbled upon this blog. ii am also a current cancer survivor, 5 brain tumors and one testicle removed. I hope that you can find your way. that you can keep pushing on. thank you for writing it helped me know that i am not the only one who feels this way
How are you doing now, two years later?
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