13 looooooong days

For those of you who don't know..... I am back in the hospital. I have been since Wednesday. Yes.. I lasted a short 48 hrs. at home. I slept most of the time, but I was burning up with fever. It has gone as high as 102. which really does not sound that terribly bad.. but when you have cancer, 102 can be deadly. So deadly that I was pretty scared the other day. I was told that my infection has spread to my blood. Instead of being a local infection at my port site, the little bacterial buggers have gotten into my blood stream. The bacteria could attack any organ in my body. I was told that I could go into heart failure and die. They ordered 2 pints of blood for immediate transfusions if my hemoglobin dropped anymore (I have not had to have any transfusions so far) I am considered "septic" which can be serious, and even deadly. I felt my body fight these last few days, I felt my organs on fire and I cried because I can not be home, with my children. I cried hard... for the first time since I found the lump, and since I was first diganosed. I am such a "do-er".. tell me what needs to be done, and I will DO IT. I don't feel like I am accomplishing much sitting in a hospital bed for 13 of the last 15 days. I miss my bed.. I miss my children... I miss my life.

I officially feel like I am "cancer patient" now. I am officially sick.. and I HATE it. I know that God loves me so much, and he has amazing things planned for my life. I opened a card today that said the following amaing words:

Our lives are not like ships being tossed helplessly upon the rough seas of life. Jesus is the Lord over every circumstance we face. He is using each difficulty and trial to work out His purposes in our lives- to show us His power, to strengthen our fiath, to purify our hearts, to deepen our joy. In His perfect time He will speak His Word over our rough seas, and all will be calm again. ---Roy Lessin

The inside read:
The Lord is in control of all that you are facing, and He will keep you steady through the storm. May his sure and certain Word Calm Your Heart Today...

Today in my time reading God's word the following verse JUMPED out at me:

Proverbs 10:20 "The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value"

I was visited by 10 "righteous" brothers and sisters today, and I am expecting more tommorow :)!!!!

I had a dream a few nights ago... my younger brother Adam, who has been suffering from chronic pain from Q fever for the last few years and were in the hospital at the same time, we were in ajoining rooms and we were racing down the hallways's with our IV poles like little children. Strange thing happened.. we arent' in ajoining rooms... but my brother is 3 floors below me, sitting in a hospital bed with possible heart problems. Please remember Adam in prayer, pray for answers and relief to his pain. I think both he and I dream about the days when we "get our lives back" our healthy, worry free days.. so we can just L I V E !!!!

I still have a fever.. it's not as high, but it's still there. My best friend since childhood Tonya is flying in from Boston today to spend 3 days with me. My parents are here from up north. I hope and pray that I can go home this week and I can continue my chemotherapy (which has been stopped due to my infection).

Thank you for your continued love, support and prayers.

I long for the day that all is calm again

:) Shanda :)